My mom. She lived. She died. She’s here.

image(2)I’m not good with talking about my emotions publicly, openly, and without hesitation. I’m not good at feeling angry or upset or confused. I’m not good at knowing that my life is changed forever.

What I am good at, though, is realizing that just because my life is changed that doesn’t mean that life is going to be bad. The raw pain will turn into a dull one and I’ll soon be able to see myself living again. Being a father. Being a husband. Being an Automattician.

It’s been three weeks since my mother died. My mom. The woman who had so much faith in me that I learned to have faith in myself. The woman who loved me so much that I learned to love myself. The woman who was so optimistic about my future that I became optimistic myself. She died.

I’ve been visiting her grave and speaking out loud like a lunatic. When I visit, I feel like I hear her. She tells me to stop visiting because I can talk to her from anywhere. My mom. She died.

There are moments when I feel like I can’t breathe and I don’t know how to have faith or love or be optimistic. And then there are moments when I’m determined to make the most out of every second that I have left. My mom. She died. She was 62.

When I think about her final years, I think about how much she lived. My mom never struggled. She never fought. She never battled cancer. She lived with it. She took what was a devastating and horrible turn in her life and she lived. She traveled. She loved. She laughed and danced and sang. She married people. She continued to grow and learn about herself and become the best that she could be. My mom. She lived. She died. She was 62.

I know that she’s here with us. I still ask her advice and I still lean on her for support. She’s around us and she always will be. She weaved her soul into me from the moment I was born. Teaching me, learning from me, growing me. My mom. She lived. She died. She was 62. She’s here.

My mom. My mom lived and then my mom died. She had 62 amazing years. I’d rather live with the gigantic hole in my heart than have had my life be any other way. I’m so lucky that I got to know her. My mom. She’s here.

 

7 thoughts on “My mom. She lived. She died. She’s here.

  1. Dan Reed says:

    I’m often reminded that there is a difference between dead, gone, and forgotten – they are not all the same thing. Losing a parent is sad, but take heart in knowing its the natural order of things. Its “the way” life is supposed to go.

    Like

  2. Alx, a beautiful tribute to a beautiful person — who taught us all by example what it is to live fully, with joy saying only “and this to” to cancer and adversity.
    Thanks for sharing. I, too, speak with your mom, and hear her voice back. It’s one of her gifts.

    Like

  3. LoriL says:

    You will never know how blessed you are, not really, because your mom loved you so very much. And there are many of us, where, ours didn’t and don’t. I’m happy every time my mother treats me like an intelligent human being. But those times have been few and far between since I was 5. And hey! Guess what?! I’m her 24/7 caretaker now.
    Just know what a beautiful gift you & your mother’s relationship is. So lovely & good.
    Thank you for your story.

    Like

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